So Apparently...... We got fake bitches

Brotherhood isn’t a secret society, it’s an in your face movement that dictates that we make the rules, earn the most money, and pat each other on the back because we have dicks. Race, Nationality, Wealth are dividers at time, but it’s been my experience no matter what city I was in, regardless of skin color, men in general looked out for me with a nod and a wink. How can Fraternity be “FOR LIFE” while Sorority falls victim to “FOR AS LONG AS THAT BITCH DOESN’T LOOK AT ME SIDEWAYS”? There’s a female cold war going on and for the life of me I can’t understand why women, with all of their innate logic and compassion, battle each other with smiles. The only thing more powerful than Sisterhood is Jealousy. Girl A befriends Girl B because she thinks she’s cool, right? Apparently that’s not always the case. I once read that sometimes Girl Abefriends Girl B so she can compete. Girl B becomes the standard which Girl Ameasures herself against. Who wears the best clothes out to the club? Who attracts the more successful men? Who’s going to get married first? And the list goes on… There is no way to tell if you are the baddest on the planet, but you can easily cross check your life with those of your friends to see if you are the hottest, the smartest, and most successful out of the bunch. It’s a battle that never really ends, old ladies in retirement homes are still popping shit about whose grandchild comes to visit more. Best friends/bitter rivals. It sounds like some bizzaro Earth, but this Mean Girls/Frenemy shit goes on in the high schools, the universities, and in the professional working world every day. No woman will EVER admit that she’s jealous of another woman or that she competes because of insecurities; however every girl reading this has a story to tell of a girl who was once a friend, or maybe still is a friend, who swagger jacked or tried to outdo her. I’m optimistic, while I’m sure there are a lot of Regina George type chicks who are out to compete, I also think there are a lot of good woman who do value friendship and believe in sisterhood.

“THERE’S A SIDE TO YOU THAT I NEVER KNEW, NEVER KNEW”

When did this fakeness start? Does the girl vs. girl resentment start on the first day of preschool? One girl comes to class with the fly ass silver barrettes in her hair shitting on the chicks with the cheap plastic ones and at that moment a voice says “That bitch thinks she’s cute, I don’t like that“. It’s totally fine not to like someone, the thing that’s foul is to proclaim your dislike one second then carry on a conversation with her the next. This isn’t just something “mean girls” do, It seems that most females regardless of their background have been guilty of being phony towards another female at some point in her life. Damn near all of the girls I’ve messed with have talked on the phone about one thing with their girlfriends: The Girls They Don’t Like… but are in the crew. I’m sure most of the fellas reading this can cosign that we as men are privy to the type of pillow talk girl bashing that would shatter friendships. Men gossip too, but generally it’s not secretive, if my boy tells me about some dumb thing Kevin did, the next week I’m going to pull Kevin’s card about it, because I don’t want to see my nigga play himself. Real men don’t get off on laughing behind each other’s back we support those in the circle. If we have malicious things to say about each other than that’s a friendship that has to be rectified with a sit down or come to an end point blank. If I don’t fuck with slim there is no going to the club, there is no calling to see what’s good in his world, he doesn’t exist. Cubic Zirconia bitches operate like an episode of Bad Girls Club. The audience gets to see them bond, promise they’ll have each others back… then we cut to the confessional where that same girl is calling her new friend in the house a dirty slut. That behavior wasn’t created for TV. That same shit happens in real life, only the confessional isn’t a room with a camera, it’s another friend who she thinks can keep her mouth closed (she can’t). “Girl, let me tell you what Brianna, said about you last night...” I bring this up because the fake bitch movement is at an all-time high. I’ve gotten emails from girls who had friends fuck their man, ruin their credit, and break their hearts in ways a man never could. I can’t be mad at the Queen Bees who exploit women, because unlike the victim she’s aware that she’s being an opportunist, she’s hustling with her eyes wide open. I’m disappointed in the women who blindly befriend these hoes and ignore the warning signs that she’s out for self. The key is to get the CZ bitches out of your life and fill your circle with real women who will hold you down, have your back, and be there because she cares about you, not what you can do for her.

“ALL THE THINGS YOU SAID THEY WERE NEVER TRUE, NEVER TRUE”

Jealousy Signs

How does your girlfriend react when you buy something new? Is she quick to shoot it down, or chime in with, “oh I had those same heels… last season“? Phoni Braxtons love to steal the thunder; if you got it she had it– allegedly. She’ll tell you that you look fat in something or that Rihanna ’06 hairstyle is still hot, just to keep you from stunting on her. Another reaction to check for is when it comes to men. When you start dating a new guy is she happy for you or is it always “Be careful with guys like him“? What kind of “guys” is she talking about? You told her two things about that man, his occupation and his astrological sign and she’s already telling you he ain’t shit. C’mon son. Now either she really hates Capricorns or she doesn’t want to see you with someone. Lonely chicks feed off other lonely chicks. Even if she’s in a relationship, she’s probably still lonely because her man doesn’t pay her any damn mind. Those rapid fire text messages you exchange are the highlight of her day, of course she doesn’t want some dude coming in-between that.  However, if you’re the type of chick who bring homes strays all the time then yeah, a good friend is right to question your fast ass relationship because you’re a bum magnet. If that’s not the case then take notes on her behavior as the relationship grows. If Renee is telling you how sexy this guy at her job is or how random niggas are suddenly telling her they like you, then she’s looking to fuck up your relationship by introducing a sabotage dick. A real friend wouldn’t promote cheating, even if she does have a problem with your man. If a girl truly has your back and your front then she will keep any beef she has with you between A and B. The last thing a friend should do is share an opinion with the sidekick worker Bee who would love to see yall friendship end so she can slide into the bff role. There may not be Single White Female level signs, but if you find yourself questioning her motives, more than likely the bitch is a backstabber. Don’t turn a blind eye because you’re afraid to lose a friend. Check that CZ behavior or cut her off completely. There is absolutely no reason to keep a fake bitch on your team… well unless you’re the Boss Bitch who’s pimping her.

Does She Jump Ship For Dick

When you enter into a new relationship, things change. You want to give the proper attention to the new person in your life, so you may not kick it with the crew as much as you use to. However a real friend will not go completely MIA. Phoni Braxton was blowing up your phone three times a day, but as soon as she got a new dick slapped in her face, it took two days just to return a “what you doing” text. This isn’t about her falling in love, this is about showing her true colors. When a new guy or even a new girl comes into the picture you realize how much you mean to that person. It’s ironic how a girl will bottom bitch her best friend the same way a nigga bottom bitched her in the past. She needed you when she was broke and bored but now that she has a man and a tax refund check she doesn’t have time to listen to you talk about your problems. You’re forced to sit on the bench until she finally calls you with, “Girl, let me tell you about what this trifling nigga did“. Now Fakenstein needs your support and wants your advice. Go ahead and let her cry those eyes out and thank you for being her best friend, I’m sure it’ll be all good… until the next new dick falls in her mouth.

Sidekick Test

Girls pimp other girls. It’s nothing new, but we never talk about this. There are women who can command car rides, get never repay payday loans, borrow hand bags for life, and even prostitute their weaker girlfriends to their homeboys with a snap of a finger. As friends you look out for each other, but there’s a thin line between being supportive and being exploited. I remember wanting to take my homegirl’s friend out on a date, so I asked my friend about it first. This chick tells me, “Don’t waste your money taking her out, I’ll tell her to fuck you“. This girl was supposed to be her road dog, they were together five days out of the week, but at the turn of the dime she feed her to the wolves. Personally I love alpha females who are so charismatic that other girls sell their soul for the right to be in their inner circle. Some may think it’s fake but those girls are being true to their nature. The wolf is clearly a wolf, you’re the thirsty ass who dressed her up like a sheep then cried victim when she brought the claws out. What’s fake is to follow behind someone who’s clearly using you because you want their approval. You’re chasing behind an Alpha, idolizing her, but she thinks of you like a court jester, that pathetic chick they all can laugh about over wine. There will always be Queen Bees and Worker Bees, not all women are created equally, but this isn’t a caste system, you can rise up the ranks. I want every woman reading this to evaluate the relationship she has with her circle of friend and determine where she falls. Are you the first phone call when shit goes down, or are you the one they conference in?  Do you get invites to all of the hang outs or do you get hit with the bullshit “Girl, I didn’t think it would be your crowd“. Of course 10 out of 10 ladies are going to claim she’s a boss or say some politically correct bullshit like, “we’re all equals” but those odds don’t add up. You don’t have to admit it to me, or anyone else, so long as you know where you stand. If you’re near the bottom it’s time to rise up and be on equal footing with that Queen or do what Kim Kardashian did with Paris Hilton, separate from the hive and find your own Worker Bees to rule over.

“ALL THE GAMES YOU PLAY YOU WOULD ALWAYS WIN, ALWAYS WIN”

Are You The Fake One

When you dare to call a girl out on her hypocrisy one of the many dumb ass answers to explain why she’s still friends with a girl she can’t stand is, “Keep your friends close and enemies even closer” …um you’re not in the Mafia sweetie, there is no need for counterintelligence. You think that once they stop talking to you they start talking about you? Hell no, you’ve been the topic of conversation. That’s what fake bitches do, use inside information against you to the point where if you do attempt to leave the pack, they have enough dirt to make you a social pariah. Why the fuck would you need your enemies doing your hair, drinking with you in the club, and helping you pick out shoes? None of that is going to prepare you for the day she throws you under the bus. Spewing cliché sayings that you don’t truly understands is almost as fake as you hanging out with your frenemy every weekend. I once wrote that a part of the Woman Code is to recognize that any friend could turn on you at any minute like a Terminator. But what happens when you’re the T-1000?  Some girls spend so much time obsessing over all the fake bitches out to harm them that they seldom realize that fighting fakeness with fakeness turns them into the very thing they’re raging against. “If she wanna act phony, I can do it right along with her” how fucking old are you? If this two-faced behavior is going to stop then women need to be honest with each other and admit when they have an issue with one another. Don’t trash her behind her back, say it to her face. If you’re having thoughts that “this bitch thinks she’s cute” then that means the bitch is cute, accept that shit. If she crosses you, don’t be passive, let her know you don’t play that shit. The solution isn’t “fuck these bitches” that’s the very reason womankind is so fractured now. Instead of isolating yourself or only being friends with guys, hold yourself and the females you associate with up to a higher standard of loyalty. It’s time to end this cold war and get your circle tight. Mrs. Gorbachev, tear down this fake ass wall.

So Apparently...... Ex's Aren't off limits

If a guy used to go out with your friend you shouldn’t pursue him after that relationship ends. False.

First, is she really your friend? Women have way too many categories and levels when it comes to friendships. You have your sisters who aren’t related by blood but may as well be. Then you have the hang out friends, work friends, school friends, church friends, do my hair friends, back in the day friends, friends of friends, frienemies, the list goes on. The point being that only a handful of those females are girls you would consider true friends, the rest are associates. Not because you don’t know them, you’ve probably known some of your associates for years but your intuition keeps her from joining your inner circle. Women may not be good at reading men, but they’re really good at reading other women, thus the separation of true friends from the girls they merely associate with. “We can shake our ass together, but I don’t invite that hoe over my house, we ain’t that cool” It may seem phoney but it makes sense. Good friends are hard to find and you don’t ruin that by hooking up with their old dick. Just say no. But what about the close associates, the girls you only fuck with because you work or club with them? Do they deserve the same loyalty as your real friends? Hell No! Think of it like Girlfriends. You’re Joan, there’s Toni, Mya, and Lynn—the crew you care about. The other girls in the hallway of life are background actors… they don’t fucking matter.

The world is too big to be dating in the same circles, but we do. Call it laziness, but I call it convenience. Some of the best relationships can blossom from a random conversation between the boyfriend of a friend who left you two alone while she went to the bathroom. You’re not going to end up exchanging numbers while your friend is pissing, but six months later if you two run into each other you’re going to remember how cool he was and ask innocently, “Are you still with Tia?”. Why feel guilty? You like him, he probably likes you, see if you’re compatible. Don’t take him off the board because of a past relationship that didn’t work out. In high school you’re expected to end up with Erin’s boyfriend who was once Jackie’s boyfriend. In College the odds are in favor of you eventually fucking someone who used to date one of your sorority sisters. In the real world this behavior suddenly becomes taboo but the rules remain the same— you have the right talk to who you want to talk to. It’s a small world when you’re horny. You could find other men, but women feel safe talking to guys they’ve met before. You already have a reason to start a conversation, you have mutual friends…

You Don’t Owe Her An Explanation: If you’re crushing on her man then I’m guessing you’re not best friends. You two aren’t Jen and Evelyn close, you’re Royce and Jen “cool” meaning that this bitch is alright… sometimes, you might cry if she died but you wouldn’t be front row at the funeral. If that’s the case then you don’t have to wait for the wound to heal. You really think that because she gave you a ride home from work once, you have to wait two months to add her ex-boyfriend on Facebook? The key word is “ex”. A man isn’t a possession; just because she rode his dick doesn’t mean she copyrighted it. If they break up on a Tuesday there is nothing wrong with going out to dinner with him on a Friday. Sure, you could call her and ask if she would mind, but that makes it seem as if you were plotting all along. Regardless, what can she say to you that will make you change the fact that you’re feeling him? It doesn’t matter if she hits you with a “Go for it, his dick’s awesome” or “I don’t care, he ain’t shit anyway”, she doesn’t approve! You’re forcing her to lie, because telling you “NO” makes her look jealous. She’ll give you her empty blessings, then as soon as she hangs up, the next call will be to her ex, warning him that she better not see him with you. Don’t sabotage yourself before you even make a move for him. Keep your feelings to yourself, if you’re that concerned about what she thinks, then allow me to break it down:  “I don’t want you fucking my ex-boyfriend no matter how long we’ve been broken up. What was mine will always be mine! Even when I get a new man he’s still mine, so kick rocks you sneaky whore and find someone who didn’t penetrate me!” Now ask yourself do you really give a fuck? Are you going to let the tag along girl who drives you to the club decide who you date? I didn’t think so. Fuck her permission slip, go for it.

Ignore Gossip: Prepare to be called out. You didn’t cheat, you didn’t take him, but you may as well have once the streets get a hold of the rumors of how it came to be. Don’t try and fight fire with fire. If she posts a subliminal jab at you on Facebook, don’t comment, let her vent. If you happen to see her at the club and she makes a comment about, “hide your man, before she steals him”, don’t take off your earrings and square up on her, ignore it. The most hurtful things scorned women spew are sexual insults. You’re not taking the plastic off the dick of a grown ass man. New dick doesn’t exist. Your boyfriend has put his penis in other women before you; he’s gone down on other women before you. Why would you pay attention to his ex-girlfriend stating the obvious? Let her call you sloppy seconds or talk shit about how he licked her ass. I’m sure she wasn’t his first stop on the freak train. You do not actually taste her pussy when you two kiss, so don’t let it bother you. Cancel out all of the negativity and slander. You know the situation and what kind of person you are. You met a guy you liked and now you want to be with him. It doesn’t matter where you got him from, it only matters where he’s taking you.

They Can’t Stay Friends: Men are competitive, but we are firm believers in the notion of “bros over hoes”. We stay loyal to our friends because men don’t use the word friend in vain. We don’t have a hundred friends, we have a few guys we consider our niggas, and a bunch of other dudes we’re cool with. So if a guy goes Tim Riggins on his boy’s Lyla Garrity it’s not the end of the bromance. Regardless of how macho we act, most guys can forgive their homies. Brotherly love often runs deeper than pussy, but sisterly love seems to falter in the midst of a love affair. There is no such thing as “chicks over dicks” because women are far more territorial when it comes to the opposite sex and would rather end a friendship with their girl then lose a guy who wasn’t ’bout shit anyway. One meaningless penis will turn best friends into bitter enemies. You’ve been like sisters since pigtails and Clarrisa Explains It All; a boy should not be able to turn you two against each other but it happens everyday. I’ve seen it happen, I’m sure most of you reading this have seen it happen. So if your bestie is capable of slitting your throat over a man, then what will a girl who’s only an associate do to get revenge? That’s why you can’t allow your new boyfriend to stay cool with his ex-girlfriend. He may not be the type to creep, but women get creative when plotting revenge. She’s going to do everything in her power to show you up. She may not even want the guy back, but now that you have him, she has a point to prove. You don’t need the drama; tell him to cut her off if he wants to be with you.

Your Future Is More Important Than her Past: Buffet style delayed dating is the way to go. You take mental notes of all the men who come and go in your associates lives, ranking them in order of “I’d fuck him” to “why would she even fuck him”. Once their relationship ends, open yourself up to the possibility of going out with him. Who’s to say that one of those guys won’t turn out to be your soul mate? Just because she couldn’t work the stick in the Porsche doesn’t mean you’re banned from test driving it. I’m not talking about betrayal of your true friends; I’m talking your happiness versus pissing off a girl you talk to once a week. You’re the Queen Bee of this Mean Girl’s flick; she’s the random bitch from the mathletes who doesn’t have any lines in your film of life. She should feel honored that you didn’t go full Spartan and take him while they were dating. Now that he’s single her claim is null and void.

I don’t care if she pretends they were only “taking a break” she choose to step out of line; hell no she can’t get her spot back. If it’s so hard for a woman to find a man she genuinely likes, why would she let a meaningless associate twat block her from a potentially good guy? To loudly quote @Dontbmad_hoe, “NOW THAT SHIT KRAY”! This is Sparta; you take care of your needs first, and worry about the next bitch later. If she wants to continue to be cool with you, then she’s bigger than the bullshit, and you may want to think of upgrading her from associate to real friend. If she chooses to stop talking to you, then so be it. Real friends are hard to find, but associates are replaceable– Letoya Luckett.

SO APPARENTLY ...... You Just Won't Admit It.

Girls don’t like each other. I spent way too much time shopping in women stores last week and it blew me away how some of the sales associates talk to each other during the shopping period. Case in point, I was in Victoria’s Secret and this one chick was giving advice this guy on what girls like. This other girl at the register began to get smart with her. I stepped up in line to buy a gift card laughing at the cattiness between the two, when the girl at the register couldn’t find a gift card on the display she pouted. The other girl stepped in and brought one over, as she passed the card over she looked back and whispered in my ear, “Make this bitch work, she’s fucking lazy”. Wow. What the hell happened in your morning meeting? I was at footlocker and a similar thing happened, but in this store it was a much different vibe… at first I thought it was just a case of the holiday and all these ladies are stressed, but no—Women are ALWAYS locked in a constant battle with other women. It can be work, school, or the bus stop. The phrase “that’s why I don’t hang with females” has be uttered millions of times by females who simply don’t get along with their “sisters”. I have a theory that I debuted in College after this one particular house party. The animosity women have towards each other has nothing to do with men, gossip, or trust. It’s sexual tension. My mother once asked me, “when did all of these girls start being gay? They didn’t do that stuff back in my day”. Sure they did Mom, girls have been eating girls since the first Cavewoman grunted over some hairy clitoris. What she was referring to was this boom that happened in my community about six years ago. All of these girls, from one of my ex-girlfriends to my god sister, became bisexual over the course of a few months. I shit you not, every girl in Tha D was rocking rainbow colors and talking about they were done with boys. By the next year it was back to normal, and the question “do you still mess with girls” was greeted with a shrugging, “sometimes”. I’m sure this went on in a lot of cities, but the question remains. Why, in the 21st century, has there been this huge movement in female bisexuality? It’s no longer taboo for a girl to tell a guy she’s on a date with “yeah I like girls”. Girls kissing Girls when drunk isn’t just the alcohol. Girls wanting to rub another girl’s phat ass isn’t admiration. Katy Perry didn’t just kiss one girl and liked it, I’m sure you had to see if the rest of her tasted like cherry chapstick. Movies like Jennifer’s Body and Black Swan are proof that Hollywood isn’t throwing in those girl on girl moments for men to beat their dicks to, it’s a byproduct of the environment that we live in now where girls can like girls in a sexual way without being a lesbian. In college I was at a sorority party. I was friends with an arts major in school so she had dance majors and theater major friends, some of the strangest people you will ever meet. These two girls who were musical theater or dancers I can’t remember but they didn’t like each other at all. At the party, they’re dancing with each other. And by dancing I mean dry humping. Here were these two enemies all semester who wanted to rip each other’s throats out, now they’re inebriated and want to rip each other’s clothes off. WTF? It’s the old highs school eye rolling BS of “I don’t like her because she thinks she’s cute”. She doesn’t think she’s cute—you think she’s cute or else that wouldn’t have come out of your mouth. I can’t count the amount of girls I know that started off as enemies, now they’re friends. Once you get to know someone your views change. But what I’m talking about isn’t simple jealousy that she’s rocking fly shoes and has a nice hairstyle and you pop shit because you want to be like that person, it’s way past that young shit. In today’s day in age it’s evolved from “I hate that bitch—oh that’s my homegirl now” to “I hate that bitch—I wonder what it would be like to kiss her”. I cite Nicki Minaj as a prime example who a lot of girls probably hate in public, but masturbate to in private. What I saw in Victoria’s secret was two girls who didn’t like each other, no sexual tension there at all. What I saw in Footlocker was sure enough sexual tension between two girls. I’m a guy, I know what angry flirting is. I’ve seen it enough to know what it looks like when a girl uses sass and bitchiness to express the fact that she’s feeling you. At the same time I’ve seen girls who actually don’t like each other fight in the middle of the street. There is a thin line between wanting to eat it and wanting to rip the bitch’s tracks out. The funny thing is that I don’t think girls realize it themselves. -Olivia can’t stand Renee, they argue at work, they have clicks that run and tell gossip about the other, escalating the feud. -Olivia and Renee have a shift where it’s just them. They’re forced to talk. Wow’s she’s pretty cool. -Olivia and Renee both like Maxwell, they decide to share a ride to the concert. -Olivia and Renee are best friends and now joke about how and why they didn’t like each other. “you walked around like you ran shit” “bitch please that was you, acting like the queen of the store”. -Now they hang out every day. -Olivia begins to remark about how nice Renee’s ass is. She joke smacks it in public. They front like lesbians around boys in the club just for fun. Saying things like “this is my wifey” just to make niggas mad. _One night they’re drinking back at the crib and Olivia begins to smack that ass joking as usual, yet she’s serious. Renee doesn’t stop her. It’s about to be on and popping. Now cancel out that last part and you have the average female relationship. Why? Because A lot of females won’t take it to that last step. Even if Olivia has thought about Renee in that way, she’s not going to put herself out there on the dyke tip because that’s scary to be rejected and have her running around town telling everyone how you tried to eat it after a shot of patron. I mean she could always blame it on the alcohol but that doesn’t mean things won’t change. But for every 7 Olivia’s that wouldn’t go there, there are now 3 that would try and turn her friend out. More than likely it won’t lead to her becoming a full blown lesbian, it’ll be a fun night between two friends and they may do again one day if they’re bored. Or maybe they’ll add a guy and call it a threesome because it makes it seem “less gay” uh huh whatever makes you sleep better princess. Regardless of how they get down, they will never admit that “the reason I didn’t like you at first was because I was attracted to you” girl’s are honest but not that honest. We are over ten years deep in the 21st century and for the first time things are becoming clear. Ten years ago I would have left the stores saying, “girls are haters”, but I’ve seen enough of this bisexual revolution to know that yeah, “girls are haters” but sometimes it’s more than petty jealousy or fear that she’s going to “Tell all my business or fuck my man” it’s a subconscious physical attraction. Okay I hear you grumbling “i’m not into that gay shit” and I believe you (god knows i’ve shown certain girls more lesbian porn than a little bit and some won’t take the hint), not all girls may have those tendencies… but i bet your daughter will. The way it’s going, in twenty years, being someone’s bff will mean that she lets you borrow her clothes, a few dollars, and she’s also there to lend a helping finger when you’re horny. Thank god for Evolution.

So Apparently...... YOU CAN'T GetTheFuckOn.Com

When Is It Okay To Leave Him?

If he only calls you when he wants something—bitch leave. If he would rather hang with his boys than with you—bitch leave. If he has a key to your apartment and has never offered to pay your cable bill—bitch leave. If he has more kids than you have fingers—bitch leave. If his ex-girlfriend knows where you live, work, and the color of your bathroom rug—bitch leave. If he thinks you're fucking every guy you know—bitch leave. If he's clubbing like he's single—bitch leave. If he hits you—bitch leave. If he burns you—bitch leave. If he hasn't had a real job since you've known him—bitch leave. If he hasn't taken you on a real date since you started fucking—bitch leave. If you have to hack into his Facebook account to ease your mind—bitch leave.

That’s all bullshit. You can't go by a check off list in real life. Red flags are never red, warning signs don't come blinking with sirens, if it were that easy to point out a bad man dating wouldn't be so hard. You can have a thousand examples of things that men do that would make you leave him, but until you're in that situation with your heart on the line, you can't say for sure that you would actually leave. Reasoning. Context. History. These are the things that keep people holding on to bad relationships. Every big bad woman likes to huff and puff about how she would never be with a man after he cheats on her, but when push comes to shove and the L word's involved, she changes that tune and makes an excuse for him. You can't predict what your heart will put up with. At the same time, you have to fully understand what kind of person you're dealing with. There comes a breaking point in most relationships when two incompatible people should split, but they don't, they continue because they're comfortable with each other, afraid to find someone new, or plain old delusional. Everyone around you can see that your relationship is weaker than a Lloyd/Miguel beef but you think he's the best boyfriend ever. In a few months you'll look back and say, "I can't believe you let me stay with him so long, what was I thinking" a week later you're back with him. Yeah, what were you thinking? Men and women are very different when it comes to why they hang around in relationships. I've known guys to stick it out for the dumbest reasons.

A) She Has her own place. B) She puts up with his shit. C) The Sex.

Men will cry, "I don't want to break up, I love you" when in reality he's saying: "I don't want to break up, you take care of me". You are in love with a man who loves you for what you do for him, not who you are. It's called "Mommy Fucking" and the smartest women fall in love with men who simply want to be pacified like a toddler. I want to focus on Women, because the reasons they hang on to a bad relationship vary and tend to be a little more complex than a man's reasoning.

"People tell you who they are, but we ignore it because we want them to be who we want them to be" – Don Draper

Hot and Cold: He's so nice, then he's so mean, then he's nice again, then you're back fighting. He's not bi-polar, he's just an asshole. I can't stand a bitch nigga. Those dudes who are always acting sensitive for no apparent reason. Those guys are great at attracting girls because when they're nice, they're really nice. A chick will be with this dickhead for two months, everything is perfect. He's affectionate and not afraid to share his feelings, yet he won't let you boss him around and calls you out on your shit-- he's everything you've ever wanted. But once he becomes comfortable with you, out comes the Diana Ross. Everyone's out to get him, no one cares about him, the next thing you know you're feeling guilty and you don't even know what you did. Why would a woman want to be with a man who's more emotional than she is? Every little thing starts an argument. You can be eating Chinese food and grab the last fortune cookie and it sets this bitch nigga off. Two minutes later you're in PF Changs getting yelled at for being selfish, "You know I needed that fortune cookie, I told you how my mother never let me have them when I was little" and he's dead serious. This Hot and Cold nigga has severe baggage from childhood, ex-girlfriends, and life in general that causes him to lash out at you. He'll come back over and apologize, you'll make up, and everything will be perfect until you decide to go out with your girlfriends instead of hanging with him, and then he's back on his emo shit, calling you a lesbian because he's paranoid and insecure. This guy has issues that your love can't rectify. He may be nice for a few weeks, but do you want to go through years of walking on eggshells in an attempt to keep him from erupting? He's not bi-polar, he wants attention. Take your titty out of his mouth and show his emo ass the door.

The Pushover: Women love the pushover at first.  He's not argumentative, he does whatever for you, and when he tells you he loves you, he means it. This is what happens when wimps find a girl willing to commit. On paper pushovers look like the guy you want to marry, sweet, giving, and communicative. The problem is no girl wants to rub pussies with her boyfriend. Women like excitement, not niggas who jump at the chance to go get a bi-weekly mani pedi with her. This girl asked me whats the best way to break up with her boyfriend who had done her no wrong. He was a pussy nigga who bent over backwards, but she couldn't take anymore of him overdoing the romance and agreeing with everything she said. The time she told him, "You smother me" he nearly committed suicide, so she stuck with him for nearly a year. I told her straight up that she was ruining her life. You have forced yourself to love a man with the heart of an after school special and now you resent yourself. Don't feel guilty, he will find another woman! Just because he's a nice guy doesn't mean he's the right guy. Continue to fake it, and the next thing you know you're cheating on him. The moment a real nigga whispers some hard shit in your ear the levee breaks in your vagina and you're doing something you swore you would never do because you're unhappy with the man you have at home. It's better to end a mediocre relationship with a good man then to continue with a relationship that will make you into a bad woman.

The Runner: People break up and get back together all the time, there is nothing wrong with second chances. But there are some people who break up twice a month. Just like the hot and cold dude, The Runner relies on spurts of good times to hypnotize a girl. He's a loving boyfriend, then as soon as drama happens, he runs. He doesn't want to talk it out, he has a secret weapon to end any dispute—it's called "Bitch try being alone". My biggest problem with females is that they have this desire to be in a relationship. Some girls think that having a boyfriend will make her happy and give her the validation that she's a catch. Regardless if you can find someone who wants to be with you or not, you should have the confidence that you are a bad bitch. Instead they put up with assholes that have no problem chucking the deuce when shit hits the fan. "So you're going to walk out on me after everything we've been through" Yeah bitch, because he's positive that you're going to chase after him. The Runner is playing a game, he knows that you're not going to let him walk out of your life, and the fucked up thing is, you know it too. After a week you'll be sending text messages or passing messages through mutual friends that you're not mad anymore, and its okay for him to come back. The Runner may even run back to you if you take too long or when he's done chasing some other girl he likes. It's all good in his eyes because regardless of how it ended or what he did when you were "broken up" he knows that you'll take him back if he asks. 

Die Hard Dick: You Put John McClane in any situation and he's going to make everything all right. There is a class of men who walk around with John McClane Dicks. They whip it out and yell Yippee Ki-Yay motherfucker until the pussy's beaten up, the arguments forgotten, and the day is saved. It's the oldest trick in the book and the sole reason old heads told us young boys "You gotta fuck her until she wants to make you a sandwhich". Good pussy has been known to bring nations to war, but the power of good dick ends war on the home front. Not all women have experienced Die Hard dick so they naively claim that no penetration is powerful enough to make her put up with the bullshit. But for those women who've had the pleasure and displeasure of being fucked into amnesia, you know how persuasive orgasms can be. Make-up sex is one thing, but when your entire relationship is built around fighting and dick downs, you have to ask yourself if the nut is worth the headache and heartache. No matter how much you want your relationship to be Hermione and Weasley it's always going to be Harry and Voldemort. The longer you let an asshole Deathly Hallow that pussy, the harder it will be to leave him. We men know when we have a woman wrapped around our fingers. During sex we can feel how her body reacts, we may not have been the first ones to take her there put it feels like it. Arguments, infidelity, breakups it's all wiped away with sex. Really? Are you going to be that easy? Get over it. Buy a vibrator, it does the same job and won't make you cry every other night. Sex is bonding, it connects people, but it's also exploitation. Some women see sex as love, passion, proof that you're soul mates. Sex and Love are not the same thing, your mother should have told you that when she was making up stories about Storks. You're not soul mates you're just having good sex, it happens. You may think that your next boyfriend won't be able to take you the top of the Nakatomi Towers, but how will you ever find out if you keep running back to John McClane?

But You Love Him: Love is worth fighting for, but love is not worth the fighting. Bad relationships rarely do a 180, but people still desperately cling on to that sinking ship long after they're underwater. Breaking up isn't fun, it isn't easy, and no matter how strong you think you are, it's going to hurt like a motherfucker for a long time. Deal with it. So you're single again—who cares. The world doesn't laugh behind your back every time you fail at love. Every one experiences it. Learning how to end a relationship properly helps prepare you for the next one. In the end everyone has problems, but it's up to you to recognize who you're in love with and if your problems are worth working through. If you're questioning whether he's a good man, then more than likely he's a not. Use your better judgment, the answer is right in front of your face if you really want the truth. Are the bad times worth the good times? Does he make you a better person or bring out the worst in you? Don't look at the examples of people who stuck it out and got married, statistics don't matter; your situation is unique to you and should be treated that way. Remember that a ring on your finger doesn't end the drama in your life. If you're miserable now, you'll be miserable six months from now. It may hurt, but it's better to pull the plug on your relationship then love on life support.

So Apparently...... U HATIN LIKE A MUG

I remember when I went to see Iron Man 2 but the fireworks didn’t come during the movie, it came afterwards. A friend who accompanied us didn’t want to talk about the plot, she was more concerned about the ass on Scarlett Johansson and how it couldn’t possibly be real. She spent the next several minutes talking about how her body had to be some kind of CGI creation… um okay. Walking towards the parking lot, I heard another woman comment in passing about how they must have had a body double for Scarlett… she wasn’t talking about the stunt work. This was female hate at its worst. I was talking to this other girl about it and all she had to say is that “she always looks like that, she has a nice body”. Thank you.

There are two sets of females, those who see another woman and hate, and those who see another woman and compliment. It’s easy to sit there and say, that’s not real, rather than admit that hey, maybe this chick had to diet like hell and live in the gym to get her body into that Black Widow outfit. Because if they say, damn, this girl put in work and earned that body, that means that they’re not doing the same thing. GUESS WHAT? If you’re eating French fries and ice cream your gut is your own fault not the chick on the movie screen. If her ass is perfectly round and tight, maybe it’s not a butt pad, maybe it’s just genetics.

In the era of Plastic surgery you can have everything upgraded from your vagina lips to your toddler tits. Back in high school girls had to accept the fact that a chick was just more curvaceous and hate in silence. These days they can point to modern technology to make them feel more confident in their own body.

She has big tits — implants.

She has a nice ass —implants.

Her hair is long and straight– so what it’s fake.

My Body May Not Look like Her Body, But at Least its Real – HATER ALERT.

Yes women do get surgeries, but a lot of these chicks that you see in the club and hate on are BROKE, they’re not Heidi Montag, paying for surgeries every month. She can’t buy a ten dollar drink, but she afford butt implants and a boob job… yeah that theory holds up…NOT!Sometimes a phat ass is just a phat ass, sorry. Why do you care how her body looks, is saying that going to keep the guy you like from wanting to fuck her more? NOOOOOO. In reality, it takes time to come up with conspiracy theories, time you could be using to better yourself. The beautiful thing about women is that they come in all shapes and sizes, just because her titties are big doesn’t mean he’s going to pick her over you. Just because she’s tall and light skin doesn’t mean that a man’s going to pick her over the 5 foot chocolate honey.

Men don’t care. We’d fuck the blue chick from Avatar if we could. We find attraction in almost any female. I was once obsessed with a flat chested girl. On the flip side, I’ve kicked this girl who had an Angel Lola ass out after a one night stand because I wasn’t feeling her. Pretty is pretty. I think fake hair is the greatest invention ever. I’m not going to say, “I’m not feeling her, she got that remi sewn in.” lmfao! If a guy says he doesn’t like fake breast, guess what, he’s never touched a set, because they’re fantastic.

The point is, I don’t see why Girls care what other girls look like. Saying things like Nicki Minaj’s ass is fake, Jennifer Hudson got lipo, or Beyonce’s bald under all of that hair is a sign of jealousy. If you see a bad chick, I’m not saying you should go smack her ass and say “your mamma did a good job”, or “can I get the number to your surgeon”, but there is nothing wrong with giving props. If for some reason you’re unhappy with your body, that’s an issue you need to work out with your personal trainer. If you feel that strongly, apply for a loan to upgrade whatever, because at the end of the day you have to be happy with your ass not Scarlett Johansson’s.

SO Apparently...... YOU'RE SO DAMN THIRSTY

Women only want you for your money. That line has been repeated billions of times and it couldn’t be further from the truth. Get the money, get the power, and get the pussy. If a man believes that than he has no confidence in himself. Sure you can get a few dollars and buy someone that looks like Beyonce… for a night, doesn’t make you special, it makes you a trick. When I chronicle my experience with women I can say without a doubt, I had the most girls at one time when I was broke. I have homeboys who are unemployed and are knocking down chicks like they’re Donald Trump. I’ve known ugly dudes who’ve hammered down dimes and gotten money out of them. The point is a woman, including top shelf five stars, will fuck with you regardless of wealth, status, or occupation. You just got to have charisma.

70% of guys don’t know this. This is where you’re thirsty niggas come into play.

A thirsty nigga is that dude with low self esteem, maybe a small penis, who is a little too eager to know you. You’ll have to question if this guy’s even had sex. To Mr. Thirsty every half way decent chick that walks by him is a Christmas gift. Mr. Thirsty will have you saying, “I know I’m cute but not that damn cute for him to be riding my clit like this”. Mr. Thirsty is the reason why the nightclubs can sell bottle service and why they invented “rentable Rims”. Mr. Thirsty with money is the biggest fool in the world. This guy sees a bad bitch across the room and he walks over, but instead of introducing himself, he begins to sell himself like a timeshare. “Oh I do this. Oh I know such and such” then will proceed to check his watch so you can see that it’s blinging or pull out his car keys so you can see the emblem. A Smart woman has seen this before, and will rightfully lead this fool to the bar and have him buying drinks for her crew or end up at his table making him blow his fronting money on more bottles of Grey Goose. At the end of the night Mr. Thirsty will be happy to have touched your butt, held your hand, and have your number. A smart woman will leave him at the club and tell him to call. Maybe you’ll go out with him for dinner, nothing like free food, or maybe you can milk him for the short term to buy you shit. Either way Mr. Thirsty will annoy the fuck out of you because he’s so hard up to fuck.

You don’t have to have money to be thirsty, oh no, the thirstiest dudes are broke ones. They too are at the club and they will follow you around the whole night as if you’re on a date.

SIGNS TO WATCH OUT FOR:

-He texts you 5 minutes after you gave him your number and asks “How you doing?”

-He texts you a few hours later saying “I miss you”.

-He compliments you to the point where it becomes creepy instead of flattering.

-He writes on your facebook wall then comments on what he just wrote.

-He invites himself over.

-He’s always talking about wanting to eat you out.

-He says I really like you, after knowing you for less than a week

-He says I love you, after knowing you for less than two weeks.

Rule number one when dealing with a Thirsty nigga is, you can’t be nice.I know how girls are, they always try and bullshit, or make up excuses to why they didn’t call. Don’t do that. Mr. Thirsty is not sensitive, he may be overly affectionate and clingy but he can take rejection well. Mr. Thirsty is going to be okay, he has myspace, twitter, skype, and IM to keep his thirst going until he meets another real life girl that will talk to him. So when he’s gotten on your last nerve tell his ass, “I’m not feeling you”. Pow! It’s done. Because if you just stop calling him, Mr. Thirsty will continue to text you and hit your facebook up like nothing happened. And just because he stops calling doesn’t mean he isn’t somewhere beating off to you. He’s just building up his strategy and he will call again like“What’s up Stranger, where you been?” So trust me, just tell him to fuck off.

And if you are a Mr. Thirsty, its okay homie, I’m not here to make you want to kill yourself, but you’re not 17 years old, start acting like you’ve seen tits and ass before.

So Apparently...... THERE'S A GUIDE TO THIS PT. 1

If Social networking has taught me one thing, is that women the world wide have one thing in common, Heartbreak, lovesickness, and general obsession with the romantic. Women unlike Men are all about the relationship, Men on the other hand are all about the sex. Any porn can tide a man over, but for women there is no form of pornography that simulates being in a loving relationship. So I’m here to help you girls become “THE Girlfriend” not the jump off, not the other woman, not one of many, but The love of his life. By the way, I've been told I’m the worlds’ biggest asshole, and as I grow older I wish to apologize for my dickhead behavior, so I’m writing this Blog to atone for my sins.

RULE 1: Be confident in your looks no dude should be out of your league. It doesn’t matter if you’re a basic chick or a 5 star chick, if a man just wants the coochie, he just wants the coochie. I’ve given the prettiest girls in the world a “Poke and Peace Out”, never to call them again. I’ve had relationships with some average chicks and spent tons of money. It’s not about the look, it’s about the female.WARNING: Average is around 6 or 7, if you’re hovering below the 5’s meaning that you are totally BUSTED, I suggest that you go have sex with the cutest guy you know, steal the condom and get artificially inseminated. Your bastard kid has a 50% chance of being attractive and then they’ll be able to read this blog. Sorry.

RULE 2: Pay for the first date. If you’re a broke hoe just looking for a free meal at Applebee’s, then stop reading this blog, this is Chess, a strategic way to get boo’d up, not a way to get a freebee. When you pay for the dinner and movie you boast his ego, he’s thinking, “Damn she really likes me”. Men love their egos stroked, and this is the way to start a potential relationship off on the right foot.

RULE 3: Meet his friends. And don’t be shy around them, go in prepared. Watch an hour of sportscenter, Google his favorite team, this way you have something to talk about. Don’t root for the same team he likes, his boys will think you’re a groupie. If he likes the Lakers, be a Celtics fan, this gives you some fun tension and you can joke with his buddies and seem like a “cool bitch”. Now every time he sees his boys they’ll ask about you. Why? Because they like you, and now he’ll feel comfortable taking you places with the fellas.

RULE 4: Don’t argue for 20 Days. I know its hard ladies, I know men say DUMB SHIT, but to be honest, females are way too opinionated off the bat. You can’t come off like you know everything when you’re still getting to know each other. Go Kelly Bundy, act dumb. The reason why MOST relationships don’t make it past 30 days is because you will begin to bicker about small things. If he wants to think Lil Wayne is better than 2pac: Let Him. If he thinks Weave is for chicken heads: Let him. If he SWEARS that 2×2 = 6, then just say, “damn, that’s what’s up.” Let him talk dumb, because at the end of those 20 days he’ll be so in love with you that you can turn the tables and say that the Moon is made of Ranch Dressing and he’ll agree. Its Chess ladies, strategic battles are not won overnight.

RULE 5: Sex is a Weapon. If you’re the type of chick that usually fucks in the first week, stop reading this blog and go to the AIDS clinic, this isn’t for you. If you’re an average woman who doesn’t sleep around, but likes sex, its okay, you’re human, it’s only right to be tempted. Suck it up. Don’t give him the pussy until you make it pass those 20 days of no arguments. If you can survive 20 days of his dumbness and still like him, he’s worth investing. Pussy is like stock. Do you really want to invest in this guy? Wait the 20 days, if he’s still worth it, let him hit. Ride it, but don’t let him hit it from the back for another two weeks. Don’t suck his dick until two months later. Don’t tell him you like girls until the six month anniversary (even if you don’t like girls stick with this). All of this keeps him around and interested. It’s like you’re rewarding him for being a good boyfriend.

If you follow these 5 Simple Rules, not only will you be his only girlfriend, you’ll be the only girl he thinks about. Try it and let me know how it goes. And remember, you’re always free to contact me for support. Happy Hunting.